In Remembrance Of Who She Was
by Black Shadow Stalker
Summary: You don’t think that I could hurt my sister? Didn’t think I could have Dawn sit so close she was touching my skin and let her sob her heart out ‘til it broke and not even move to touch her or even look at her? But it's not my fault, I can’t. I'm paralysed
1. What She Became

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy and I don't own you. I am not making you read this; if you hate this, it is your own fault.  
  
Italic writing is thoughts.  
  
A/N: Set early season 7. Reviews welcome, flames expected.  
  
A/N2: This chapter is a narrative from Buffy to you. It is spoken in her mind as she is unable to speak.  
  
In Remembrance Of Who She Was  
  
Chapter One: What She Became  
  
What? You don't think that I could hurt my sister? Didn't think I could have her sit next to me, so close she was touching my skin and let her sob her heart out 'til it broke; and not move to touch her or even look at her? Every day for months I have done exactly that. I don't even look at her.  
  
But it's not my fault, I can't. Not since...Then. In less than one second all that happened and I broke the hearts of everyone who loved, no, still loves me, even though I've changed so much. I'm not who I used to be. Now I'm making Her, my own sister, hurt so badly and I can't even say I'm sorry! I do try! Even after all these months, I try. The words just won't come out. How had I let it come to this? Oh God, Dawn! Dawnie had lost me before and now she was losing me again. This time I had to watch, as this, I, destroyed her.  
  
I do try to tell her how sorry I am. I try 'til my head aches from the effort, but it doesn't work. I guess I'll just have to face it. I can't ever talk to her or touch her again. I just can't move... because... from my toes to the crown of my head...  
  
... I'm paralysed, and They had done this to me. Not even Willow can help me. So my friends have to just watch me lie there, more helpless than a child and think back in remembrance of who I was. 


	2. How It Began

Disclaimers: See previous chapter.  
  
A/N: This story is set when the initiative is still around and before Buffy learns who they are and as this is my story the initiative knows that Buffy is the Slayer.  
  
A/N 2: This chapter becomes violent towards the end.  
  
In Remembrance Of Who She Was  
  
Chapter Two: How It Began  
  
Flashback  
  
"I don't care Dawn! You are NOT coming patrolling with me!" "But..." "No Dawn! Now here's some money to order take-out, but no pizza or Doublemeat Palace." "Eeww! I swear I'm not gonna have Doublemeat palace, but you'll have to take me with you to stop me ordering pizza!" "Fine Dawn" "So I get to go patrolling?!" "No you get a babysitter. No pizza, no magic and bed by 11." "...! I don't need a babysitter!" "Fine you don't need one but you're having one." Fine leave me! I hate you!" "Night Dawnie. Tell Willow I said thanks for looking after you." "...OH!" came the reply, punctuated by the front door slamming behind Buffy as Dawn vented her rage.  
  
'Teenagers! Well actually the key is millennia old, but the monks made Dawn 2 years ago; she just has the thoughts, memories and hormones...defiantly hormones of a teenager. But does that make her a toddler teenager or millennia old energy. No, No! She's my sister! My little sister who I'm gonna look after. Not 'cause of those monks, but coz she's my sister. Fuck I can't believe I thought that! I really need a fight to work out some tension. Here vampy, vampy. Slayers coming for you.'  
  
'I really shouldn't have snapped at Dawn like that earlier. I hope she knows I didn't mean it. I'll tell her I didn't mean it when I next see her. I could take her shopping. With this new bad around we never get to talk except when one of us is about to die.'  
  
'Now which cemetery shall I go to. Hmm... a whole 12 to choose from.'  
  
She unconsciously muttered, "Welcome to the Hellmouth, living population less each night, undead population... I better do something about that."  
  
Then they came and sent my spider sense screaming in my head. "About what slayer?" Around twelve demons with karki ..skin? No... scales? No. "What the hell is that stuff covering your flesh, 'coz that is so not a good look." I caught a familiar scent on the air emanating from the demons... alcohol. "I have to fight twelve drunk demons?! This just gets better and better!" I grumbled as one of the demons dived towards me brandishing a katanna. It over-lunged and received a cruel kick to where its ribs should be for its efforts. My kick sent the demon flying, but apart from being confused as to how 'he' had moved so far, so quickly the assault had no effect- the demon remaining unaffected by my most brutal kick. Another one of the demons seemed pissed off about my attacking one of their brethren and pointed what turned out to be a weapon at me. A bright electric-blue beam of...light or energy erupted from the barrel and I dived out of the way. I took advantage of the demons surprise and confusion at my speed, back- flipping out of the way I landed on both feet and sprung off the ground high into the air reversing my direction back towards the demon. I snapped my leg out from my hip, towards its head. The blow was enough to shatter bone. Mine, it turned out, when the recipient had that armour. The demon grabbed my injured leg and twisted viciously, grinding the fragmented ends of my thigh into each other splintering them and sending the loose pieces into my muscle, as it used my own momentum to fling me into the mausoleum of;  
  
Principal S. J. Snyder  
1946-2002  
Husband, Father  
and Beloved Principal.  
  
May he find true peace eternally.  
  
"Somebody actually married him?!" Damn what a load of crap they wrote about him. He's even managed to piss me off when he's dead! That is so like him! I shook my head from the already apparent concussion, half blinded by the blood running into my eyes like a crimson stream. My blood. 


	3. Pain And Dying In Two Different Ways

Disclaimers: See first chapter.  
  
A/N: This chapter becomes violent towards the end.  
  
In Remembrance Of Who She Was  
  
Chapter Three: Pain And Dying In Two Different Ways  
  
I tried to move, but every slight twitch of my mangled thigh muscle sent the spear like, splintered shards of my femur into the freshly torn flesh surrounding it and the daggers of broken ends of multiple ribs into my lungs. As I began to black out from the agony that made the bile rise in my throat, I heard the sound of hope. The desperate cry of a wild animal... it was close, I could hear its breathing. Relief flooded through me, it would smell my blood! Blood would send it into a frenzy! It would kill these things or chase them off at least! What?! They were laughing?! Oh, God the cry was my screaming, I'd heard it distorted due to the pounding of my heart like a sledgehammer in my ears. The panting, my own struggling for laboured gasps of air. After all this for so many years, averting innumerable apocalypses, saving the world and dying to do that, I was going to be killed in a cemetery. Dying by both bleeding to death from my thigh that was connected to my body only by some mangled flesh skewered by my own bone and drowning on the blood that filed my punctured lungs, while a bunch of demons laughed at me.  
  
A/N: Hmm, I think I'll leave it there for now. I promise I'll be updating more often now though. Until then, let me know your thoughts. 


	4. What They Said

  
  
Disclaimers: See first chapter.  
  
In Remembrance Of Who She Was  
  
Chapter Four: What They Are And What They Do  
  
As my energy gushed from my body staining my ex-principals mausoleum crimson, one of the demons reached down and raised my head so I was looking at them. I no longer had the strength to do so myself. It looked into my eyes and in a Californian accent spoke. "You are not human, you may look it, you may act it, but you aren't. You are what we fight to remove from the face of the earth. You have no right to be here and we're gonna fix that. You may not know who we are, but we know you MISS Summers. How dare you have the audacity to use a human title?! Well you won't have it on your gravestone...even if you were gonna have a grave. There's not gonna be enough left of you to bury, even if they ever find the remains. Go to hell bitch!" At my confused expression one of the other demons suggested that they showed me who they where so I would know why they were doing this. "Yeah, why not." Their facial...armour receded into their sculls and the armour protecting their torso's withdrew into the spinal columns of the...demons, definitely demons with a human appearance. How did they know my name? They must know me,. I had been a specific target! Had they waited for me, searched for me or stalked me? Did they know who my friends were? Were they the next targets? I knew that soon I would be too weak or too dead to care and it no longer bothered me. How much blood had I lost?! 


	5. Is This How I’m Meant To Die?

Disclaimers: See first chapter.

A/N: Buffy has a head injury, which is the reason for her unusual behaviour.

In Remembrance Of Who She Was

Chapter Five: Is This How I'm Meant To Die?

I had lost too much blood. I was dying. I could feel it. This time their was no 'my friends will come to save me', I was alone and I was dying quickly. It wouldn't be long now. This I could feel. I knew this, as I was so cold, this felt just like every time I had nearly died but I knew I was much further gone this time, and I wouldn't be coming back. I would die, but I was at peace. I thought I had been at peace being alive, yet...I felt relief at the thought of dying. Dying would end it.

No more pain or suffering. Just peace, and I wanted it. As desperate as I was to be with Dawn, I wanted peace and an end to my suffering more. And I felt guilty for being so selfish. But...the first Slayer said, "death is your gift". Could it be any clearer? I should just give up and die. That was my destiny. I should embrace it! ...And wanted to. It wouldn't be long now until the choice to give up would be taken from me.

I was startled as I realised that my chest and stomach had been stained the colour of rubies by the blood that steadily flowed from my mouth. I was so far gone I hadn't even noticed. The pain of my injuries seemed far away now, just like this reality, death wasn't so bad, it was freedom, a release from pain and hate...perfect bliss and I wanted back. I had never felt such peace as I had when I was dead. I should accept it, that I was going to die. I just felt cold now except for the area on my chest warmed by my blood, dripping over my lips like a potent lipstick and down my chest channelled between by breasts. Even the cold seemed far away, so distant... so sleepy, so tired. I'll just close my eyes and rest... maybe someone will...find...me... mmm, hope...not...

NO! I have to fight, I can't leave Dawn alone! I can't give in, I won't! That's just the concussion talking! I've been killed twice; I won't let this be how it ends for me. I slowly raised my head to look the lead demon in the eyes in defiance as it aimed the weapon at me and fired, blue light hitting me and coursing into my chest as the force of the blast fractured the mausoleum wall I was propped up against. My head lolled forwards and my eyes closed, as I passed out before the feeling of my now freshly cooked, crisped flesh could register as my last conscious thought.


	6. The Who And Why Of Buffy's Attack

Disclaimers: See first chapter.

A/N: This chapter contains repeated bad language.

A/N 2: Marcus is my own creation. He's a random Initiative soldier who's on Forest, Graham and Riley's team.

A/N 3: For those of you thinking that Buffy was behaving out of character in the last chapter please remember that she has a head injury (concussion due to being thrown into Snyder's Mausoleum).

In Remembrance Of Who She Was

Chapter Six: The Who And Why Of Buffy's Attack

Flashback to 5 1/2 hours before the attack on Buffy.

At Lowell House- Graham's dorm room

The unit (squad)- Graham, Forest, Marcus and 2 other random soldiers of my creation have been drinking heavily and are getting very drunk. Riley is absent as he is still injured from being skewered by Adam, and remains in the Initiatives medical bay. (In my story he is prevented from leaving due to the quantity of pain medication he is on and the fact that the medication is making him too drowsy to even sit up.)

"OH COME ON! Riley's just Buffy's lapdog. I wouldn't be surprised if that fuckin' bitch makes him wear a collar while their screwin'!" "Graham! That's **Ri** you're talkin' about!" "I don't hear you denying it!" "Yeah…well…" (_sarcastically) _"Yeah… well… Face it, the truth is instead of being out with his squad here and now, he's drugged out of his mind on pain meds 'coz of HER! It's not even like she's human! She's as much a threat to us, no! The WHOLE Initiative as hostile 17! Maybe even more so! Who knows how much information she's pumped Riley for! Who knows what she can do!" "(cough) Riley (cough)." "Forest, I meant fight wise!" (Forest looks at Graham all innocently) "Don't try to look all innocent For, you were never innocent!"

"Hey, guys! Back on track here!" (Forest and Graham stop arguing and pay attention to Marcus) "Good. Now, how do we get rid of the Slayer?" "You guys must be fuckin' drunk! She's the SLAYER **AND** Riley likes her! We **don't** get rid of her!" "Forest, if you're too chicken shit to go through with it then the rest of us will go it alone." "You're outta' your fuckin' mind Miler…the whole fuckin' lot of you are. I'm outta' here." (Forest grabs his jacket and leaves. Miller turns back to their other friends) "Good he's gone. Now we can start planning that bitches downfall properly."

Four hours later

The synchronized beeping of 4 pagers signaled that Professor Margaret Walsh was recalling 'her boys'.

"Come on guys, time to go kill some HST's. Of course if we happened to run into Buffy while we were searching, wearing that new metal alloy armor, for our own protection from HST's of course… …well, no one but Riley would miss that bitch and at the moment he's too drugged up to notice. Anyway, by the time he did, the evidence would be gone, too old to be used."


	7. Oh Shit! We're wasted

Disclaimers: See first chapter.

A/N: OMFG! I'M ALIVE! THE ERRANT AUTHOR UPDATES! (AUTHOR LOOKS ON IN SHOCK!) Mutters, no more coursework, no exams… I HAVE FREE TIME?

**_A/N 2: IT'S A DOUBLE UPDATE!_** (Author faints in shock!)

In Remembrance Of Who She Was 

Chapter Seven: The Attack (the enemies perspective)

_47 minutes after the squad was beeped_

"All right men the briefing is concluded. MOVE OUT!" Came the final authoritarian command of Dr Margaret Walsh as Graham Miller heard the soft, hushed whisper of one of his team-mates "Thank God she didn't notice we're wasted!" "Marcus! Shut up! She hasn't gone yet!" Came the reply in the same hushed tones, but with more urgency to them.

"Team Alpha One, please remain seated."

"Marcus, you fucking idiot! She heard you! We'll be sent to the new inoculations test centre as volunteers, _if we're lucky_!" Was hissed in near hysterical panic by the temporary leader of team Alpha One while their usual team leader was injured. "It's not my fucking fault Gra'!" As Dr Walsh approached, the whole team went silent.


	8. The Fight Beginsalmost back to the begi

Disclaimers: See first chapter.

A/N: This chapter contains repeated bad language (frequently in authors mind at her shock of having updated after **sssssssssssssooooooooooooo** _three pages later _**long**).

A/N 2: The Erinwood Cemetery is of my own imagination.

In Remembrance Of Who She Was

Chapter Eight: The Fight Begins (almost back to the beginning)

After the unit (Graham, Forest, Marcus and the other 2 soldiers) has heard Dr Walsh's briefing and suited up they begin their patrol of one of Sunnydale's twelve cemeteries. "Professor Walsh said that there were reports of possible HST activity in the Erinwood Cemetery, let's head over there, ok?" "Yeah, sounds good." "Fine." Came the generally affirmative responses. "Forest?" "Whatever, _Graham_!"

The unit arrive at the Erinwood Cemetery and on Grahams hand signals, fanned out and began searching for HST's. After only a few minutes they heard a muted mutter,

"Now which cemetery shall I go to. Hmm... a whole 12 to choose from." They headed toward the sound and saw a short humanoid female, carrying antique weaponry.

As the unit attacked the humanoid HST, it reacted in kind. "Hmmm, the Slayer must not survive, IT'S taking Ri for a ride. That HST **bitch**  
ain't even human, as Ri's best friend I must not let it survive. She… IT'S not human. It must be neutralized." Forest heard Graham murmur. As Forest heard this, Graham felt his wide-eyed disbelieving stare and realized that he could not allow this traitor to betray his unit or his country and raised his blaster to the traitors position…

A/N 3: IMPORTANT PLEASE READ! As the readers do you think I should change this story to an M rating or is the current T rating high enough? I don't want this deleted so please answer honestly.


	9. Breath Of Life

Serrafina: I'm hopeless at keeping track of what has happened in each season, as I don't have the box sets. So for the purposes of this story just consider this the potential AU-ness I previously mentioned. I hope this doesn't ruin the story for you.

As for Graham and Forest's personalities being switched… I REALLY _don't_ like Graham, and Forest got killed so I don't _have_ to care about him.

Thank you for questioning instead of ranting.

Black Shadow Stalker (formerly koradee).

Thanks to Queen Boadicea for her polite and appreciated comment about 'proper grammar and spelling' (I don't have a beta).

Thanks to all my reviewers

Disclaimers: See first chapter.

A/N: I'm not going to re-write the fight scene from the unit's POV (point of view).

A/N 2: Just imagine the scene where Graham injures Forest, preventing him from warning Buffy or preventing the attack (unless it is specifically asked for, in which case I will write it).

A/N 3: This chapter follows on from Buffy's thoughts from chapter 5.

Chapter Nine: Breath of life.

Buffy's vision began to grey at the edges as her audio senses distorted into a low pitched incomprehensible drone. She looked at the face of her **demon **attacker, who to those without a concussion or blood in their eyes looked like a some-what drunk college student adorned in BDU's, holding a futuristic-looking gun-like weapon (a blaster).

As Buffy lost consciousness and her breathing became shallow to the point of ceasing, a woman watched this via the cameras and heard each of it's (her) gasped breaths decrease in frequency and intensity. And she smiled.

Dr Walsh smiled as she watched her (yes she knew) drunk soldiers killing the Slayer. She was so proud. They were protecting the threat to the family…permanently, and eliminating the _thing_ that was confusing Riley (he was essential to the program), and was tearing him away from his family.

Yes, she had seen _it _having sex with him after entering his room. That could not be allowed. Thanks to her cameras she knew how entrenched into his life it had become. It could not be allowed. She would not allow her boys to be used in such a way by anyone, let alone by such a t_hing_! No. She would not allow it. She would protect her boys, even if they didn't know they needed it, or were receiving it.

And as she was watching, Buffy fell unconscious and her ribs rose…

…and fell…

and rose…

…and fell…

…

…

…and stilled.

A/N 4: If you have any comments or questions use that little blue box, and I'll respond in the next chapter.


	10. The Hidden Truth Of The Slayers

For Disclaimer see chapter 1.

AN: In this chapter the POV becomes narrative only. It's quite different from the rest of the story, but my muse jumped up and poked my brain with blunt toothpick till I wrote this, so blame him.

In Remembrance Of Who She Was

Chapter Ten: Back to the beginning As It Becomes The End / The Hidden Truth Of The Slayers.

Buffy awoke in Sunnydale Memorial Hospital. She lay there. Not moving. Her friends surrounded her, telling her the cold hard truth. Her neck had been broken as her head bent against her body as she fell from the gravestone the blaster pulse flung her against.

Her life was over. She was the Slayer. The Chosen One. That was why she existed. That was what she was. Eternally the Slayer. The blood of generations ran through her veins, her heart, all of her. It sang through her veins like an arrow through the wind. It defined her. Demanded the kill. This was why Slayers always _did_ kill. The Demonic bloodlust coursing through them, infecting them. The irony being that Slayers, who were empowered by their heritage were also victims of it.

It was why no Slayer lived a long life. They became inhuman, consumed by the bloodlust, the thrill of the hunt. They became what they killed, and so, their bodies turned on them, slowly weakening them until they died in battle, and a new slayer was called. A new, innocent, untainted girl-child to be manipulated until they were insane with bloodlust, rage and hate, so they too weakened, and died in the same brutal fashion of their pitiable lives.

To a Slayer death is the truest gift. Freedom from manipulation, rage hate and taint. Freedom to be themselves and not the Slayer. Release from the ever increasing Demonic possession.

Any remaining humanity still in them by this stage, craved this. Pure, simple death. A fail-safe the Aborigines included in the make-up of the First Slayer, that had carried down the Slayer line. A guarantee that the most powerful being ever created would not become Demonic killers or even assassins. A fail-safe that still worked now, after so many generations. Faith had prove that as she begged for death. Her release.

Buffy would have reached this point years ago, if not for the fact that she was different. She had friends. She had to morally justify her actions to others, and therefore to herself as well. It had kept her human. Kept her herself. Now though, she was paralysed, and the bloodlust was still coursing through her veins, growing stronger as it was continually denied, week after week. As it grew stronger, her body began to weaken, attacking itself. Killing her. She was dying and there was nothing anyonee could do. Unless they were a powerful Witch or Warlock.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, and Willow's were of the best, but they were also torturing her friend, by allowing a Demon to take possession of a fully aware, completely helpless Buffy. She could do nothing. She was loosing herself in the hatred and rage the Demon felt, and so she retreated into her mind until she ceased to be, and her soul was blackened by destruction and death. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions and Willow's had cost Buffy her soul. She would never see heaven.

_It_ lay there, surrounded by her friends, being driven to insanity by it's inability to act on the bloodlust. Surrounded by her friends. The only thing that had kept her alive so long, and the thing that had destroyed her.

In the end the Slayer is always alone, with the murderous whisper of her blood.


End file.
